Trying

I’m trying, so hard, to understand why my childhood friend is so sick. It’s bad enough that I’m sick, but her, too? And my family? I’m not even that old – 30 – and already I feel surrounded by sick people.

Those words are harsh. Maybe too harsh. But I try to be as honest as I know how, and that’s what I can figure.

I don’t have many friends. In fact, I can count the amount of friends I have on one hand and still have fingers to spare. People as a rule do not seem to enjoy having me around, at least not for too long, as I’m aware of a certain novelty affect I have, in which I’m interesting for a while but then when people get I’m just a sick loser, they drop me. It’s happened way too often and way too many times for it to be a coincidence.

So the friends I do manage to have, I try to keep. This usually means a great deal of compromising and biting my tongue, as I want to be as agreeable as possible in order to meet their needs, while being aware that mine will not be met in return. It’s how it goes with me, with very few and rare exceptions, and even they eventually fade, too.

I’m the ugly friend, everyone. I have known it since I was able to make them. As such, I’m only around on a needs-must basis, and usually not based on my needs. When you’re an ugly girl with pretty friends, it’s even harder. They tell you about how they attract people to them, how they get hit on, how they don’t know who to date, and your mind is filled with angry thoughts, because you don’t know what it’s like, and this friend either knows it and is being mean, or truly doesn’t know it and doesn’t even get that you have no idea what it’s like not to be ugly.

You are also not allowed to have your own problems or opinions, because then what use are you, since an ugly friend is only good for one thing, and that is to listen and soothe them. Even if you have similar problems, even if you feel like you want to kill yourself out of loneliness, you still have to pretend to be all fine and listen to the person you just want to make happy say the same thing, though all you do in your life is desperately give her a reason to live, but you are not enough, because you are just an ugly friend.

i truly am sorry for the tone of this post, but I feel it still matters to say these things. This is not a specific person, but rather a mash-up of every person who used and continues to use me. The sad thing is, the saddest of all, is that I am so lonely, I do not even care anymore.